i think my tv is drunk
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
