there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
