I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
