i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
