i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
