Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
