I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
