I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize