I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
