While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
