three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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