ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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