Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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