im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
