I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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