I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
