I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
