you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
