the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
