Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
