I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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