OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
