it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
