saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
