Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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