Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
