Well douche your snatch and let's go!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
