I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
