i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
