yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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