I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
