I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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