I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
