remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
