i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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