I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
