I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Less talking, more tequila
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
