cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
