I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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