i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
