She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
