Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
