Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Come see our sink grown plant.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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