Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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