Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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