My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
