Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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