so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize