Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
can u get pink eye on your cock?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
