i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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