She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
