apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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