A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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