I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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