apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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