I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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