I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
