she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize