this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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